The hardest thing to understand.... suicide ;

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Call 1-800-273-8255 I was asked to write about suicide...  The one thing no one really knows how to understand if there even is a way to understand it.  I will start off with that I have lost a friend, someone I had loved very much to suicide 8 years ago. To this day I still cry for him wanting one last hug more than anything.  No one really knows anyones true intentions when it comes to suicide, or even know that they are thinking about it.  What some need to understand is that, there are so many that hide what they are truly feeling because they don't want you knowing at all. Its not your fault for not noticing. It's no ones fault at all.  I struggle being suicidal, I have attempted twice. First time I still woke up the next morning. How I don't know, maybe I didn't swallow enough with the alcohol I chugged. But I woke up. The second time, someone had reached out to my father while he was away and whil


I still haven't decided on what to make as the title... for now it'll be unknown Man, lately I have been so lost feeling so broken and its my own fault. This is for all the people who "anonymously" message me about how they laugh at me failing and falling apart because I run to twitter to vent. Thanks, I know my life is a mess. I know I'm not perfect I know I suck at so much and hurt others in the process. Trust me,  I replay every mistake I have made in my head and hate myself more and more every day. Laugh and judge all you want but please remember, I'm only human & I do try hard. I don't really know how to explain what goes on in my head, ill start off with that its so hard to look at myself in the mirror in the morning and be content with my life, but I put makeup on as a mask and pretend to get through my day. Oh no I'm not saying any of this is anyones fault. it is mine. I take all the blame for my sadness sometimes I call it karma

its been awhile...

i havent blogged in three months, not because i havent had the time to but because i dont really have much good things to say.. which my blog isnt for just good things its for me to express my feelings where people choose to read.. Im not sure what is going on with me, my life is just kind of falling apart slowly but not really.. if that makes any sense. I dont know whats wrong with me.. Ive been drinking more, making bad decsions, letting myself go and hurting others even myself. Is it because i crave another person who wants nothing to do with me? Because i let myself fall back to square one when i first started blogging?? has to be right?? I dont get it, i was doing so good until january came.. i met someone.. let go of others. it all was ruined. my fault? yes, his fault? yes. im just going to keep it at the fact that i had fallen for someone that i actually wanted to give the world to, things went well, then things slowly turned for the worst. Im beginning to think i

Kyle Gibson Jenness

Todays marks 8 years since you decided to leave this world. I still get emotional as if it was just yesterday you left. I could say so many things about you i could write an entire book about how much you meant to everyone and i wish you could have known. You always made sure everyone was okay, always put smiles on peoples faces and were ALWAYS there to run to when i was sad. You were the greatest friend anyone could have, my first love, my bestfriend you were and still are my whole world Kyle. I'll never forget the time i first met you when you came to my house with my friends & with that fro of yours lol. We then became close and always hungout especially at the bowling ally with everyone. We made SOO many memories. The times id meet up with you at the bowling ally and youd stand there as i ran to you jumping into your arms and hugging each other tightly. That special hug we always did, god how badly i wish i could have that hug just one more time. I remember waking

Everything You Want Is On The Other Side Of Fear.

You know, I never really thought about how hard it would be to let another person in my life. The thing that scares me the most, is that it took me so long and so much to pick myself back up from the biggest downfall i have ever had. That break up truly destroyed a lot for me. Do i even know if i could love again? Even if i could, how would i even let myself if all i do is fear of falling. Think about it to fall in love again, after being emotionally and mentally destroyed. To have that happen all over? Knowing you were ready to leave this world the first time and to think that if it happened again, that it would possibly be the last time you decide to be on earth.  Now i know a lot of people dont understand the reasoning for self harm or the reasoning of being suicidal. Let me tell you, its a real struggle. You could be so happy and know you are happy then that one minute goes by and all you can think about is slicing your skin open and watching every mistake and regr

I cut again..

I had a moment, a really bad one. Not for any specific reason. I just got so stuck in my head with sad thoughts I started to do a bad thing. But I stopped myself before it got tooo  bad. I’m not mad at myself because I know that next time I’ll be able to be stronger to not do it at all. It was just a moment. I’m human. Everyone has a bad moment. The thing I’m proud about is that when I started to do it, I slowly began to realize that whatever im sad about right now I won’t be tomorrow morning. So I stopped granted I still will have a scar, BUT I stopped and went to bed, & woke up better. Don’t. Give. Up. -ky confused-suffering

what do i want?

Honestly, for awhile i really thought i knew what i wanted. I tried so hard to keep what i wanted and just dealt with the pain of waiting for what i wanted. 7 months later, i feel like i truly dont want it anymore. All the times i felt hurt, felt sad and felt like i meant nothing to someone, finally got to me. That shouldnt be something i want? Not at all. I deserve more, right? Someone who will actually show interest, show they want me, need me, and care for me. Not just sometimes, but all the time. Excuse me if that sounds needy but what person wouldn't want that? Out of all the times i have been told i deserve so much more and sat there and was like naahh its fine its what i want. Well now i say to myself " what the fuck was i thinking ". BECAUSE I DO DESERVE BETTER. I truly wont ever ever ever settle for less. I refuse to lose myself over any human. It was never worth it. Granted, i still cry like a little bitch sometimes, but thats normal. I mean, th