What's really going on in your head?

....buuut I have this happy personality and a sad soul in one body. It feels weird sometimes, but lately I will admit I have been doing my best to focus more on myself and letting go of that certain someone with love and not hate. Not really proud of who i've been lately or how i've been acting. Then i realize this is just me learning to find myself again going through those phases of a broken heart. Which is absolutely ok. I have this feeling of knowing im going to be 100% again, which is when im with my bestfriend April. ( my soulmate ) "I must learn to love the fool in me - the one who feels too much, talks to much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laugh and cries." You must really force yourself to believe that things will get better, slowly and eventually. Thoughts can really kill you. Trust me im still learning. Im getting there though and i

well first please excuse any errors i type lol.. I broke my week streak of not crying. haven't been able to stop crying since. Once i get home i fall apart. i hate when people tell me " it'll be okay" or "you can get through this" especially "it gets better" but does it really? honestly??? I question all those everyday and its not like i dont want to get better because trust me i do. I feel as if there is such an empty space in me that nothing can help it but him. I don't know? Just to see him, hug him and hold his hand I know for a fact, I would feel every happiness rushing back into my heart. That sounds really toxic but to me that is okay. This is what I want and I know for sure. I don't want to move on, I dont want someone new. I want the promise we made to each other, of having a future together. I have this feeling deep deep down inside that maybe just maybe we will be back together again. That feeling is what is

"What?" A random text that said "what?" as if you just texted that to get my attention? Im not sure.. I was confused but happy at the same time that you texted me. It sucks that this has happened to us. In a way I still have hope that one day you will be mine again.. Be better than we have ever been.  I always think so highly of you, when I know I am never on your mind.. Lately it has been really hard to fight the urge of killing myself everyday, it gets hard to put that blade down and not cut the pain from my heart away. I feel as if there is so much wrong with me for feeling this way but I see so many others going through this. I just don't get why it is so hard for me to let go? 5 months since we have broken up.. I still cry myself to sleep and find myself randomly texting you. Was this meant to happen? Were we really not for one another? How though? How could we be so amazing for each other and it all slip away so fast? Like