how im feeling today?

well first

please excuse any errors i type lol..

I broke my week streak of not crying.
haven't been able to stop crying since. Once i get home i fall apart.
i hate when people tell me " it'll be okay" or "you can get through this"
especially "it gets better" but does it really? honestly???
I question all those everyday and its not like i dont want to get better
because trust me i do. I feel as if there is such an empty space in me
that nothing can help it but him. I don't know?
Just to see him, hug him and hold his hand I know for a fact,
I would feel every happiness rushing back into my heart.
That sounds really toxic but to me that is okay.
This is what I want and I know for sure.
I don't want to move on, I dont want someone new.
I want the promise we made to each other,
of having a future together.
I have this feeling deep deep down inside that maybe
just maybe we will be back together again.
That feeling is what is slowly killing me
because what if it really doesn't happen
and here i am years later still waiting?
that's not okay, but i cant stop it.
I love him in such an unhealthy and healthy way.
Its a mixed love that is so dangerous.

What exactly can a human do to get over such a heartbreak?
Absolutely nothing.. you just have to pretend that everything is fine
so people will eventually believe that you are happy and quit asking if you are.
You have to put this mask on to pretend you are something you are not
To go about your day then come back home and fall to the ground
or to look at yourself in the mirror and break down crying
questioning why? why me god'? why does this have to hurt so bad..
You feel everything inside you shut down and slowly die.
You want nothing but to take those pills and never wake up.
but you don't because the one thing that keeps you going
is that feeling of hope that one day he/she will be yours again.



  1. I've been in your position and it is tough. It's like the pain gives you tunnel vision and that's all you can focus on. Does time heal all wounds? No but it does give you perspective. You recognizing the toxicity in your past relationship shows that you've got some now. It's hard to throw away all the good memories but romanticizing the past makes it hard to get away from the pain.

    1. I second this<3

      If it is meant to be, then it will be... later.
      But you need to focus on Y O U ... the most important<3


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