What Time Can't Solve, You Have To Solve Yourself.
There comes a time in your life, where you go through the toughest situation you ever been in. For example a heartbreak you never seen coming and never knew could be possible.
-Let me tell you exactly how i did this and how it completely changed who i am from falling apart to becoming so happy.
I loved someone so much, he was my everything. Someone i had a positive feeling i was going to marry soon. We had ups and downs just like a lot of people. I loved him to the point i felt like i would never be able to live without him if we ever broke up.
Well, one day he called me up and told me he didn't want me anymore, canceled the engagement ring, then left. I felt my heart ache so bad and at that very moment i wanted to shut down and never wake up. I instantly started apologizing for the way i acted, by not trusting him, constantly starting pointless arguments, stressing him out for no reason, breaking his heart with all the mean things id say to him when we argued bad. I begged him to come back and not leave, to love me the way i loved him. He didn't care, he just hung up and right there i knew i didn't want to live without him. I had lost the love of my life and i blamed it all on myself for being so selfish.
Few days went by and i had gotten a facetime call from him around 2am. I answered and he was drunk, tells me " i slept with someone while i was home and i don't regret it" ( we were together when he slept with that girl). I instantly started bawling, everything just got so much worse once i heard those words come out of his mouth. How could someone i was so in love with who said they loved me just leave and do something like that to me? After all the things we had planned. It made me question if he ever actually loved me. I was up all night crying, the next thing i know its time for work.
Everyone knew what was going on and i just was not able to calm myself enough to stop crying. I asked if i could go home and they let me. Once i got home i knew my dad and his girlfriend were away for a few nights. I instantly started chugging vodka, taking pills and got pretty drunk texted my coworker telling her i would no longer be coming to work because i had given up. (With me not knowing, she had texted my dad. He was only away a town over.) I blacked out and next thing i remember is looking up seeing my dad and his girlfriend rushing into my room, then looking down and seeing all the blood from cutting myself, my dad grabbing me tearing up and worried. His little girl, only child crying to him telling him i did not want to feel this pain anymore, i wanted to be done. They stayed for awhile, my friend came over for a bit. They got me back to a somewhat okay mindset. My dad got me to puke up all the shit. I ended up being okay.
But, things were still so rough after that, i would fake the smiles so much, it was like once i was all alone at home, id hurt myself by not eating, cutting, and id drink a lot. Id spend those nights crying myself to sleep, gasping for air not being able to breathe because i couldn't go 5 minutes not crying. I would lay in the bath some nights thinking how life would be so much better once i was gone because all that pain would vanish but id remember my dads face when he seen me the last time i tried to end my life then i would keep asking god what did i do to feel this type of pain. To feel so alone and broken. I would take xanax some nights just to put myself to sleep to stop the bad thoughts that ran through my head constantly. I took so much one night that i couldn't get myself out of bed the next day for work and had to call off. I could not fight the pain and the thought of dying.
June 15, i found this "create a blog" website and figured maybe i should give it a try and type down everything i feel hoping it will help. I did, and it was actually helping. Id cry while typing then once i was done i would feel somewhat better and cried less when i went to sleep. Months go by and i was slowly getting better. I kept pushing myself to get better even if i had to fake it. I knew one day it would be real. I kept going.
8 months later* I am here now, I haven't cried myself to sleep in a long time and if i do cry its a few tear drops then im back to smiling. I am now 120lbs ( from being 98lbs not eating ) I stopped cutting, i stopped feeling so hopeless and broken. I learned how to block out all the horrible thoughts. I found happiness within myself, I love myself now. I go out enjoy myself making new friends. I read poetry daily which i found helps a lot as well and is so relaxing with a cup of coffee and nuggets lol. I also changed in a much better way, I see the way I was and how I acted when I was with him and it also wasn't okay. I treated him wrong as well. We both were in the wrong. I learned my lesson. That was losing him. Being a better person and knowing right from wrong is a good thing. Never dwell on the mistakes though, they're lessons. Just become better.
i can look at myself in the mirror now, smile and i say " wow i made it out, i let go, and i am alive. I did not give up on myself!"
So anyone who is feeling like they just can't let go, can't bare to live without a certain someone. Trust me, have faith in YOURSELF and do please do take the time to be with yourself and your thoughts to think "wow i am lucky enough to be given a chance to live this life, i need to live it happily and love myself so much". surround yourself with positive people. ONLY THINK positive especially for others and even the people who have hurt you.
YOU CAN DO IT
Trust, love, protect, build, and strengthen yourself.
I am here to listen, to help and to push you to become better for yourself. To help you climb over that bumpy hill that's holding you down.
"As time goes on, you'll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn't, doesn't. Time solves most things. And what time can't solve, you have to solve yourself."
"I completely lost myself. And I ended up coming back with more of myself than before."
We don't know each other but I follow you on twitter and I've seen the pain in your tweets from a while back. I'm truly glad to see/read that you are in a better state of mind. I was in the a similar situation around the same time you started tweeting upsetting stuff. Reading your tweets made me feel upset for us both but I never said anything to you. Life moves on and I'm glad we both have seen the light out of the darkness. Don't ever let another human take your spirit. Away shine bright.ReplyDelete