i’d like to formally call myself out on being such a needy and emotionally confusing person..

Listen man, i have no fucking idea what to do at this point. What is going on i know is wrong, But how can you stop yourself when you badly want that person and love that person so much already?

   I know for a fact this is the person I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with, well attempting to get that far with. Isn't it crazy, to think i actually have fallen for someone else. That i was so afraid to give a chance to a year ago? I was soo blind to see that i should of chosen to be with him. I was just so scared to give up something i was use to for something that i had no idea would work out. Which i still don't.

  Everyday i think about not giving him a chance, leaving him twice. When he tried to show me he could treat me better. Now here i am trying to have him when i know i can't right now for multiple reasons.

  But again, i feel like im not enough for him. He has told me the pros and cons of being with me.. & it actually hurt. What's the point of me waiting around then? right?? Especially if he wouldn't be getting in a relationship for awhile if he did what he did which i can not say exactly what hed have to do but im sure you'll get the point if not then dont worry about it.

  I can't get over the fact he makes me so happy but at the same time, its easy for me to be really sad bc of everything going on. Which is not his fault, its karma on my end.. But still i don't deserve this confusion or struggle of waiting for something i feel like im never going to get.

  There are times when we are on the phone or facetime even texting, that i just want to tell him i love him. He already knows i do. But its like i want to just say it to him all the time. & the more i try to hide the feelings the more i fall for him.

  He doesn't think hes perfect, which no one is. In my eyes he really is everything i want.
Just something about him, i always thought about him even when i was with my ex. The days my ex and i would argue or him treat me wrong id sit there thinking in my head, ( ***** would never treat me this way, what am i doing...) then id remember my ex was someone i thought i would be married too so i didnt leave plus i did love my ex a lot. I was just too blind to see the wrong in how he treated me. Not the point though so onto the next subject

  This guy, i still get nervous around. I still i dont even know.. There are days i want to let go but as soon as i think about doing it i realize why let go of someone i want knowing i cant just move on because it truly isnt what i want.

SO WTF DO I DO??


 All the questions i ask myself, am i wasting my time? am i just being too needy for wanting what i want & emotionally confusing?
or should i stick around and see what the future might bring? ( sounds corny lol ), Do i leave? Am i even enough for him? Do i even make him happy..? Also ask myself if he feels the same way that i feel about him, (love) which obviously is a no i just sometimes like to think that is possible to happen.

  I look past his flaws and things he has done, but i don't think he can with me, since hes told me my flaws.. Which i dont see how a lot of them are true but ya..

Im confused & stupidly in love. Once again with someone who will never love me.

WHY do i fall in love w/ ppl who will never fall in love with me? This is the third one. & its not easy for me to fall in love with someone..

"There are people who are always in love with the sky, no matter the weather. One day you will find someone who'll love you the same way."


anyways im just gonna go drown myself in the tub w/ these thoughts...

-goodnight
krb