What's really going on in your head?

Todays marks 8 years since you decided to leave this world. I still get emotional as if it was just yesterday you left. I could say so many things about you i could write an entire book about how much you meant to everyone and i wish you could have known. You always made sure everyone was okay, always put smiles on peoples faces and were ALWAYS there to run to when i was sad. You were the greatest friend anyone could have, my first love, my bestfriend you were and still are my whole world Kyle. I'll never forget the time i first met you when you came to my house with my friends & with that fro of yours lol. We then became close and always hungout especially at the bowling ally with everyone. We made SOO many memories. The times id meet up with you at the bowling ally and youd stand there as i ran to you jumping into your arms and hugging each other tightly. That special hug we always did, god how badly i wish i could have that hug just one more time. I remember waking

You know, I never really thought about how hard it would be to let another person in my life. The thing that scares me the most, is that it took me so long and so much to pick myself back up from the biggest downfall i have ever had. That break up truly destroyed a lot for me. Do i even know if i could love again? Even if i could, how would i even let myself if all i do is fear of falling. Think about it to fall in love again, after being emotionally and mentally destroyed. To have that happen all over? Knowing you were ready to leave this world the first time and to think that if it happened again, that it would possibly be the last time you decide to be on earth.  Now i know a lot of people dont understand the reasoning for self harm or the reasoning of being suicidal. Let me tell you, its a real struggle. You could be so happy and know you are happy then that one minute goes by and all you can think about is slicing your skin open and watching every mistake and regr