Everything You Want Is On The Other Side Of Fear.

You know, I never really thought about how hard it would be to let another person in my life.

The thing that scares me the most, is that it took me so long and so much to pick myself back up from the biggest downfall i have ever had. That break up truly destroyed a lot for me. Do i even know if i could love again? Even if i could, how would i even let myself if all i do is fear of falling.

Think about it to fall in love again, after being emotionally and mentally destroyed. To have that happen all over? Knowing you were ready to leave this world the first time and to think that if it happened again, that it would possibly be the last time you decide to be on earth. 

Now i know a lot of people dont understand the reasoning for self harm or the reasoning of being suicidal. Let me tell you, its a real struggle. You could be so happy and know you are happy then that one minute goes by and all you can think about is slicing your skin open and watching every mistake and regret pour out of your wrists. 

I get it, it may sound like i need help but thats the last thing i want to do because i know how that ends up. I never want to go back to a mental hospital. They dont really help you, its all a lie.

If i were to let myself love again, i dont know what i would do if it were to go so horribly wrong. Would i take the blame and destroy my skin with the blade, or would i take that bottle of pills and let go of everything i tried so hard to understand.  I dont want to be weak again, not after finally picking myself up. granted i am not 100% happy, but who truly is, right?

I fear the things a lot of people fear.  So i know im not the only one, but it sure does seem like it.

What is it thats so wrong about love? What is it thats so destroying about love? The people you choose to love or the reasons we fall in love? No one will ever know. At least i wont.

So tell me, are you scared too?

-ky

confused-suffering