its been awhile...
i havent blogged in three months, not because i havent had the time to but because i dont really have much good things to say.. which my blog isnt for just good things its for me to express my feelings where people choose to read..
Im not sure what is going on with me, my life is just kind of falling apart slowly but not really.. if that makes any sense. I dont know whats wrong with me..
Ive been drinking more, making bad decsions, letting myself go and hurting others even myself.
Is it because i crave another person who wants nothing to do with me? Because i let myself fall back to square one when i first started blogging?? has to be right??
I dont get it, i was doing so good until january came.. i met someone.. let go of others. it all was ruined. my fault? yes, his fault? yes.
im just going to keep it at the fact that i had fallen for someone that i actually wanted to give the world to, things went well, then things slowly turned for the worst. Im beginning to think i am the problem. So i go out, i drink, make bad decsions and regret them in the morning by laying in the bath tub drowning myself until i cant hold my breath any longer. I rise back up gasping for air and slowly lay my head on the edge of the tub and just cry.
Why did i do this to myself again? We didnt even date.. so why exactly did i catch feelings for him sooooo quickly and so strong.
I mean, we hungout a lot.. we clicked so well. I felt safe. I felt that love feeling that i was searching for and missed. We are so much alike too, honestly its kind of scary. i look at him and i see me.
Maybe it was all the amazing things he filled my head with when we first started talking, how much effort he put in to get me.. that i was nervous to give myself to him at first.. but then i did... & that moment that i decided he was everything i wanted, i became everything he did not want.
To have gone through SOO much in your past that you struggled so hard to get over, to finally give another person a chance and then once again not being good enough.
People talk about staying positive, that everything happens for a reason. But why the same things over and over?
On the bright side, i gave it a shot. i still tried, even though i made some bad mistakes during that time and i regret so much. I learned from it though. Because id give anything for him to understand how sorry i am for everything i have done wrong. Wasnt all me though.. But ill take the blame.
ill take all of the blame, for everything to go back to the way it was, to be the person i was before this crash of breaking again.
im okay now, now that i blogged. i missed it. Im sorry for being away from you guys. i wont let it be that long ever again.. I am going to better myself, im going to do my best to not choose liqour to fix my problems.. I am going to be okay.... right? right..
Maybe in some other life, ill find true happiness with him.