I still haven't decided on what to make as the title... for now it'll be unknown

Man, lately I have been so lost feeling so broken and its my own fault.

This is for all the people who "anonymously" message me about how they laugh at me failing and falling apart because I run to twitter to vent.

Thanks, I know my life is a mess. I know I'm not perfect I know I suck at so much and hurt others in the process.
Trust me,  I replay every mistake I have made in my head and hate myself more and more every day. Laugh and judge all you want but please remember, I'm only human & I do try hard.

I don't really know how to explain what goes on in my head, ill start off with that its so hard to look at myself in the mirror in the morning and be content with my life, but I put makeup on as a mask and pretend to get through my day. Oh no I'm not saying any of this is anyones fault. it is mine. I take all the blame for my sadness sometimes I call it karma.

But do you know what it is like to lay in your bed all alone at night like I am right now and think about how great it would be to never feel pain again? by that I mean suicide. Its crossed my head again.. I was doing so good. but it came back and worse than ever.

Got worse the day I lost my baby. The ONE and ONLY thing that kept me positive and excited for life.  Gone. My biggest nightmare, and my worst heartbreak.

I havent been myself I don't know how to vent to others and I don't think I could I always lie and say I'm fine.

falling apart isn't even the right words to use for my life right now. I broke someones heart who didnt deserve it and I carry sadness about it every day. I broke the other persons heart as well for leaving because I was getting into my bad depression and I couldn't handle much with that person at the same time. I suck I have no idea how I have any friends when I just shut everyone out.

Ignore the mess of a blog this is about to be. it may not make any sense while you read it but I'm just venting. I need to.

I like being alone a lot more... but being alone is so dangerous.
one minute I'm fine, the next I'm thinking about death.

I miss Kyliah, I don't know where she went. but she is lost.. I want her back and the happy she had.


  1. My dear, stand strong. Barring a few events, I have walked the crossroads you presently stand at. It's good that you take responsibility for your mistakes; That shows character, and those who have character can survive anything.

    I can't imagine what it's like losing a child. All I know is that it would rend my very soul in twain. I know you feel like you'd rather feel nothing than feel all this pain, and I won't claim that all this pain will be worth the happiness you will experience later; the fact of the matter is that life sucks a lot.

    But there can be joy in the midst of pain. You can bear a spirit that is broken and still carry on to find it life again. I can't promise that life will change and start coming up roses, but I can assure you that you are much stronger than you think. Not everyone could survive what you have endured, child. And despite it all you are standing here today.

    In short:
    You are in pain,
    but you can heal.
    You can grow,
    and you WILL emerge victorious.

    Keep your chin up and your tiara polished; you will emerge a stronger princess. Lots of love from the Forgotten Kingdom.

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