The hardest thing to understand.... suicide ;

Call 1-800-273-8255

I was asked to write about suicide... 
The one thing no one really knows how to understand if there even is a way to understand it. 

I will start off with that I have lost a friend, someone I had loved very much to suicide 8 years ago. To this day I still cry for him wanting one last hug more than anything. 
No one really knows anyones true intentions when it comes to suicide, or even know that they are thinking about it. 

What some need to understand is that, there are so many that hide what they are truly feeling because they don't want you knowing at all. Its not your fault for not noticing. It's no ones fault at all. 

I struggle being suicidal, I have attempted twice. First time I still woke up the next morning. How I don't know, maybe I didn't swallow enough with the alcohol I chugged. But I woke up. The second time, someone had reached out to my father while he was away and while I was destroying my skin when I WAS home alone my father came busting through my door. Because of that friend contacting him. Am I mad? no. I am thankful. Im still here. Fighting.

It's really hard to notice someone is going through a lot sometimes I always lie and say I'm fine or put on a fake act. Most do that because they truly don't want someone to help them.. I get it suicide needs to be talked about more and I agree. Its devastating losing someone who takes their own life. You never really are able to cope with it you just get use to them being gone but there only in your memory and heart. You can't blame yourself for not reaching out to someone more when you had no idea that they are hurting. Sometimes, people I know most don't want to hear it but sometimes people no matter how much help they get or how much people show they love them... If their mind is set to it.. They will do it. It sucks so much trust me. 

BUT; always please A L W A Y S tell your friends, family, who ever that you love them. Walk passed a stranger and SMILE at them. Tell them to have a good day. Tell them they are pretty, handsome, or that you like their outfit or shoes. ANYTHING that will make a person smile. Because then, you will be shining some light in their darkness that they have been missing/ wishing for.

Now, to the ones who struggle as well or want to die right now. Coming from me, who struggles. When youre at your lowest and the only thing on your mind is how peaceful and better It will be being dead. Its so fucked up to think about but its true. I have days still where I want to be dead, I have days still where I want to cut my body open every where again. I now have a purpose for living I have a reason to be better and love more than I ever have. If I wasn't here, if my dad didn't walk through that door or if I didn't wake up that one morning. I wouldn't have been blessed with what I am currently blessed with right now. So please please remember YOU WILL GROW, you will BLOSSOM you WILL see the light of life changing when you KEEP fighting. THINGS DO GET BETTER. sadly not as fast as we want or need. But it does. I know how frustrating it may be to hear "it gets better" when it seems like it never will. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you will get through this. TALK TALK TALK to someone, or better yet. BLOG!!!! WRITE!!!! READ!!! It helps. 


words hurt, please think about things before you say it to others. 
I know we aren't all the best when it comes to that. But we should really try to make a change. 

 my inbox is always open. 



  1. Very sweet of you to write this. Also, love the new blog theme.

  2. Since you are pregnant again it's time you grow up and start acting like a mother. Just relax. Do us all a favor and delete Twitter. Take care of yourself so this baby can survive. Life isn't all about you anymore.... Good luck.


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