theres something wrong



i dont know what it is.


right now and lately i have felt no emotion. deep down i know theres something wrong
because the thought that races through my head, is ripping open my skin. but i wont.
at least i hope i don't.

i seem happy, then i seem sad. I actually have no idea what phase this is. Whats going to happen next. I am numb. 


I haven't been eating like i use to. I try to though thats what matters.

I truly hope that this phase i am going through right now is the phase right before something amazing in my life is going to happen. I really need that and ive tried my best to achieve it.

Not really a blog post but just a moment of me being able to type out whats going on in my head right now. I dont even know who reads my blogs but dont repeat anything i post please. 

I have this urge of wanting to throw everything out and starting fresh. even friends

Moving away to another state is something i want so badly. I have this feeling that it would help me in so many ways. 

I got drunk with my bestfriend last weekend. I pretty much let the vodka put me in my feels. I told her every detail on everything i have been through. The cutting, the attempt of killing myself, not once but multiple times. I never heard such sadness come from her voice when i was done. Sometimes i feel like i dont belong here. That there is no purpose for me to be honest. 

I try to do my best and get life figured out, doesn't seem to go my way or any way but bad.

The one thing i try to stay living for is the thought of making my parents proud one day.
and finding that love that i have wanted for so long. 

i feel nothing. i am numb. i can't say im sad, or im happy, because i don't know what this is.
i know ive felt it before, this times just different and stronger.. who knows

i guess ill just see what happens next and do my best to keep a clear mind and not think any bad thoughts. Which is something i do not promise.

~goodnight 

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